Why Meditation: What meditation has Done for Me

Many have heard; prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when God talks to you. I know when I would hear this statement, I would quickly write it off as "hippie dippie bullshit", that is until I brought meditation into my own personal practice. 

I first began meditating when I was a junior in high school. At the time I didn't feel spiritually fulfilled and wanted to explore religion. So with a curious, restless mind, I tried meditation for the first time after reading a little bit about it in a book I downloaded on my Kindle. It was 5 AM, I rose even before the sun and I sat in my bed in easy pose and began to let go and try and connect with my breath. I remember I downloaded some generic meditation music and that I was all I was left with. Myself, the darkness and cheesy music but in that moment I connected. I turned inward as I closed my eyes and tried to find a part of myself I longed for greatly. Now, by no means am I a morning person, but after about 30 minutes of this I opened my eyes again and I felt awake and aware like I never had before. It was a feeling of clarity and for a glimpse I was content and I wanted more. 

I kept on with reading and trying my hand at meditation. I built up the courage one day to talk about it at school to my algebra II teacher, Mr. Singh. He shared his insight from his experience with meditation and how it related to his spiritual practice. I was completely invested at this point. I looked forward to meditating and I wanted to go deeper into the practice. A few days later I spoke to my teacher again, this time a couple of my classmates joined the conversation, they, on the other hand, were NOT very amused. They ridiculed Mr. Singh, mocking him and in that moment I felt for him and I was also discouraged. I never brought it up again to avoid seeing Mr. Singh made fun of again. I began reading less and eventually stopped meditating. 

As time passed, I continued down a path of uncertainty. I had so many feelings that went unaddressed. I felt as if I had prayers that had not been answered and I had a giant void I felt I could not fill. I had struggled with depression for years but by the time I was a senior in high school it had reached an all time high and other feelings of anxiety and low self-worth joined in. I was getting into trouble because I was searching for things to fix my problems. As I tried to continue to fill my void, I dug myself to a point where I no longer recognized myself. Before I knew it, my environment became just as unfamiliar as the person I stood before in the mirror as I packed my bags to move in with my father just a few short months before graduating high school. 

In this time, I really found God and I worked to get myself together. With finding God and my humbling experiences I went through, my views began to shift. Two years after graduating, my mental health was better than it had ever been before, I was eating healthy and working out doing yoga and weight training. I was in college full-time and working a great job. But, I still wanted more, the restlessness in my mind still lingered and I couldn't help but to think I was not on the path God set out for me. So I took the plunge of becoming a yoga teacher. I signed up for 200 hour training at a local studio and it changed my life! 

One assignment we were given in training was to meditate and journal daily. So I added that into my daily practice of bible study and there it was. The missing piece that I longed for all these years. Prior to me taking time out to meditate daily I was talking to God, quite frequently actually but at times I felt no one was listening. In my meditation, I felt that light again only this time, the light came as a voice, God was talking to me. I was unchained from anxiety, depression and guilt. They no longer had power over me. 

I can't say this happened right when I jumped back into meditation. It took time and the journey was not pretty. As I sat I would get uncomfortable, I felt I couldn't connect to my breath or that I was using a meditation technique incorrectly. Things from my past would come up and I would find myself in tears. It hurt to revisit my past but it helped me realize where I stood in the present and made me grateful and joyful about what was to come in the future. 

I understand now more than ever that God has never forsaken me, even when I turned my back on Him. God stands not next to me, but in front of me, guiding me. When I meditate I have clarity to hear Him and with that I am free and I am secure.